That One Time I Remembered I Had a Blog...Oh and had a baby!

This post is deeply personal for me, so if you don't care to read about my religion or my struggle with infertilty, don't read :)

In the back of my mind, I always knew that having kids would not be easily accomplished for me. But I never wanted to admit it. I didn't like thinking about it. So when Jake and I decided it was time to start our family clear back in 2011, it came as no surprise to me that months, and eventually years passed with no success.

Infertility is not for the faint of heart. It's frustrating. It makes you feel broken. Something is wrong with you. You are less of a wife because you can't do the one thing your body is designed to do. In the begining, I was angry. It wasn't fair that everyone else could have babies. Jake and I were in a great spot financially, career wise, education wise. I would cry over stories about abusive parents and neglected children (still do). I would be devasted every time another friend announced they were expecting (again). When would it be my turn? What was I doing wrong? I struggled so much with so many aspects of my life, especially with my religion. Why would God deny me of such a righteous desire? Everything in the LDS church is centered around family. It didn't make sense to me that God would have a commandment to "multiply and replenish" and at the same time, say nope not for you.

I remember a relative pulling Jake aside at a family party, probably thinking I wasn't around. That relative basically told Jake that because we were in the position we were in, it was time for us to start our family. I remember crying the entire drive home. That was the first time someone asked why we didn't have kids/ weren't pregnant. It hurt. But because of that, I was finally able to admit that something wasn't right to someone other than myself.

About that same time, I was lucky enough to get called to Young Womens. The best calling of my life. Those girls will never know what they've done for me. They have inspired/motivated me in ways I could never explain. I decided that I was going to preach to them about how important personal progress was, I should probably set an example and work on it myself. The Lord new what he was doing. I was working on a value experience about the atonement. I was still struggling with the anger of not being able to concieve, and I was starting to turn bitter. I felt so alone. I had always known that the Atonement covered the sins. But I was never one to have major issues. Sure I said the occasionally swear word, I was a terrible teenagers, and I probably watch way too much garbage on tv. And in my mind I new the Atonement covered those sins, but they were so small in my mind, that I never really developed a testimony of the Atonement. But as I worked on this personal progress experience, I grew to realize that the Atonement is so much more than that. I was not alone in my pain. I wasn't the only person to know how I felt. My Savior knew exactly what I was dealing with. He knew my heart.  I soon realized that throughout my life, the Lord had placed so many women who had struggled with the same issues in my life. Young Women leaders of my own, friends, and even family. I was so busy being concerned about myself, that I had failed to realize the examples these women had set for me. It was possible to be happy even if I wasn't able to have the family I had always dreamed of having.

Just because I knew it was possible to be happy, didn't mean that my life changed overnight. It took years to overcome the pain caused by infertility. Years to finally say I was satisifed with where I was in my life. Years to realize that it was okay if I never got the oppurtunity to be a mom. And then one day it happened. I was okay if another friend or family member announced a pregnancy. In fact, I was geniunely happy for them. The bitterness and jealous had finally disappeared. I know that is because I have learned to rely on my Savior through difficult trials! That's not to say that I never got down on myself or wished that I could be a mom, but at least I was finally happy with who and where I was.

In the middle of December, I was scheduled for a surgery. Jake had been talking about taking a pregnancy test for a few weeks. But I was not ready for the disappointment of yet another negative pregnancy test. I'd been down that road way too many times. I felt off, but wasn't willing to find out. And then two days before the surgery, I started throwing up (I don't think I will ever be able to eat another yogurt parfait again). I knew. When I took that test and saw the word pregnant, I instantly broke down. I sat on my bathroom floor crying for what felt like forever. I pulled myself together enough to call my poor husband. Unfortunately for him, I didn't wait til he got home from his night meetings to take the test like he had asked. So he had to sit through what probably felt like  an eternity of camp interviews, not being able to do anything about anything. So I sat at home and continued to cry. Eventually I came out of shock, and called my mom. What the heck do you do when you find out you are pregnant? I had no clue. Thank goodness that woman could talk me through my crazy emotions.

Fast forwad to June. Jacob and I welcomed our beautiful and most importantly our healthy baby girl into our family! She is our miracle. My heart is so full. I cannot explain the joy that she gives me, but I can say that she was worth the wait. It was a long journey to get her here, but in a weird way, I am glad it took so long. If it wasn't for the longest trial of my life, I would not have the testimony I have. I would not have an understanding of the Atonement like I do. I wouldn't have the relationship with my Savior like I do. I am so grateful for this journey and the things I have learned getting to where I am now. It was worth every struggle, every hurtful comment, every tear shed.

Honest Thoughts on Thinking Honestly

I really hate titling my posts-I always feel like it has to be something clever and smart but never know what to put....Anyway
I have found a new appreciation for honesty. I don't mean the kind of honesty were we don't steal or lie, but the deep and sincere honesty when someone is willing to acknowledge their weaknesses.
I feel like a lot of time the LDS culture presents a standard for women to be perfect. Women joyfully have dozens of children. They are perfect housekeepers. They are gourmet chefs.The successfully manage a budget. They have beautiful, well dressed, good mannered, smart, perfect children. These women are perfect wives. They have incredible testimonies. They have no problem sacrificing so much for so little return. These women are in great shape, dress well, and are always happy.
And then there is me.
I can't have kids. I hate cleaning the showers and dusting (as my house will show) . I  don't always feel like cooking. I wish we had more money for me to spend. I fight with my husband. I sometime struggle with my testimony. I am selfish. I am far from being fit, have worn out clothes, and am not always happy.
I have been sharing these thoughts with some close friends. I've been reading so many blogs about so many women in different parts of their lives. Some of these women have some of the trials I do, while other women have trials of their own. The important thing, is that we all have our struggles. And I think that there is so much beauty in a willingness to admit our imperfections. It is so wonderful to know that I am not alone in feeling inferior. It is okay to not be perfect.
It is okay that yesterday I went over on my caloric intake, or that last week I skipped a day of working out. Because I don't have to be perfect all of the time. And thanks to the insight of others, I can realize that no one around me is perfect. Even if they want me to think that they are perfect and so are their lives. It is okay to have weaknesses and shortcomings. I know that there are some weaknesses that I will never overcome (at least in this life). It is okay that I will struggle with some weaknesses for only a short time. I can work to be a better person. I can work to overcome these weaknesses.
For the things I will never be able to fix, I can still rely on my faith in the power of the Atonement. I can depend on my knowledge that Christ loves me, in spite of all of the things I struggle with. I can know that I am not alone. I can be grateful for what I do have. For what I am good at. For the people who care about and love me. For me.
I am so thankful for women who are willing to acknowledge that they don't have it all. That life hasn't turned out to be the story book that we thought it would be. These women are more inspiring to me than those who choose not to acknowledge their shortcomings. The women who can admit weakness are the women I admire most.

Family history

I have been thinking a lot about my family history. Mostly, I am working on a project for my personal progress where I gather stories about ancestors. As I have been doing this, I have started to realize how little I know about my Bullough side of the family. I don't ever remember my Papa telling stories about his parents, and my Dad barely remembers them as they died when he was fairly young (I think). On the Clawson side of my family, I have access to lots of information, I have read parts of my great grandma's journal, read her and my great grandpa's personal history, and my family always has memories to share about them. My parents tell me that Grandma Clawson and I would be great friends as we have a lot in common. Sometimes I feel like she is around, giving me inspiration, especially when it comes to creativity. Anne of Green Gables would say we are like kindred spirits :) and I often hear that Grandpa Clawson would be so proud of my political activism and even my stances. I have such a desire to know these people as individuals, not just names on my pedigree chart. I am hoping that this project helps me to do that. And i'm really hoping to be inspired and that I can see how these people have influenced my family.

Camp...Again

I'm feeling frustrated. Managing 90+ people is not an easy task. Especially when the majority of employees are teenagers. Different management styles work for different people. Different people respond to different things. That's a fact. And it seems to be nearly impossible to find a way to help everyone succeed. It's not like we hire people with the intention of making them fail. I find it frustrating that people don't recognize that this is their job, not a place to get paid to sleep or slack off.
I don't think that it is asking a lot that staff members are on time, help clean up, and that they shower. I don't think that making you do an extra chore is an unreasonable punishment for being late every day. Most places would fire you if you don't come to work on time. Maybe I am reaching here, but you know...
When our camp staff had 45 staff at most, it was a lot easier to have patience, and to allow room for error. But when I have 20 people not doing things correctly as opposed to 2, its a lot harder to help fix problems, and furthermore, have the patience to constantly correct. I found it ironic, that after 15 minutes of helping with my job last week, one of our junior staff said, "Wow, now I understand why you are so strict on this. This is a lot of work." I wish more of our staff understood how things pile up, especially when it isn't done correctly.
I am a firm believer in leading by example. If I ask any of our staff members to do something, I have to be willing to do the exact same thing. Sure, my work schedule might compromise with KP duties or Trash Sweeps, but it isn't like I would be hiding in my cabin if given the chance. I would be helping. Maybe I am off base, maybe I just need to relax and not do anything. Either way, I can't make everyone happy.

A First: Achieving a Goal!

For almost as long as I can remember, I have struggled with my weight. I was the early developer compared to all of my friends. I was taller. I was bigger. And it didn't really bother me until junior high. And even then, it wasn't that big of a deal. But the older I get the more important maintaining a healthy weight appears to be. I know that people have a negative perception of me because of my weight. But there is so much more to me!
Over the past two years, I have tried various diets, exercise routines, etc. And nothing worked. At one point I found a diet that helped me lose five pounds over five months. And I was frustrated. Here I am busting my butt for what? A pound a month?
As mentioned in my previous post, I started seeing a doctor in mid October of 2012. And he believed in me. But more importantly he gave me a plan and he holds me accountable. We set a goal that by April 2013 I would lose 30 pounds. That is only the beginning for me. But I am starting to understand the point of smaller attainable goals that lead to the bigger goal. The first two months went great. I lost 13 pounds. And then the holidays came. And I sort of just stood still. It didn't help that I had a cold or an ear infection or something for practically a month straight, which made it very difficult to exercise regularly.
Today, I stepped on the scale. I thought it was lying to me. So after three or four times of weighing myself, I realized I had met a goal. Two months early. Sure I have had strep throat for the last few days and have only eaten two popsicles and half a bowl of cereal, oh and some hot chocolate since Wednesday (and now it is Saturday) But that doesn't change the fact that I met a weight loss goal for the first time in my entire life. I know I still have a long way to go, but I can help but be excited/proud.
Thanks to my husband, family, doctor, and strep throat I can proudly say that I am one small goal down, and a few more to go!

Our Struggle With Infertility

In the back of my mind, I always new something was wrong, but I never wanted to admit it. There were no obvious signs that having kids would ever be a problem, but there was always this feeling that I don't know how to explain.
I grew up in a culture that was very family oriented. When I grew up, it was my job to get married and start a family. So I got married. We knew we wanted to wait to have kids. So Jake finished school. He got a job. We bought a house. I kept going to school. And we thought we were ready. So we waited. And waited. And after waiting for over a year nothing happened. I never wanted to admit that something was wrong with me. And then one day, someone said something to Jake. And I broke.
For a long time, I was full of hate. Every time that I saw a new baby or heard another of my friends was expecting I had the most awful feelings toward them. How could they have baby? They didn't deserve it. They couldn't afford it. They didn't have this or that. I was jealous. I was bitter. I was angry. But most of all I was hurt. How could God deny me of the one thing that I wanted most? It isn't like I was wanted something evil. It was our righteous desire to start a family, to follow one of God's commandments. And yet, for whatever reason, it didn't happen.
I finally went to the doctor. We started to work on what it wrong. He pointed out that infertility is actually really common. I started talking to people about it. I realized I wasn't alone. So many people that I know have struggled with the same issue. And some have kids. Some don't.
I started to wonder what life would be like without kids. Something I had never thought of before. And that is when it hit me. I had been wishing time away. Wishing that it was in the future, that my problems were solved. I spent more time looking at the things that I didn't have, that I was missing out on a wonderful life in front of me. I had so many blessings right in front of me, but I was to busy looking at the blessings that were missing to even notice how great my life really was. And my mindset changed.
Sure, it is still hard to think about the possibility of never having children. But, my perspective has changed. While I may not ever have the chance to be a mom, I have so many other great things going, that I cant just focus on things I don't have. I am still learning. Sometimes I still get jealous when I see friends starting their families. But I am starting to understand that it is important to be grateful for the things that I do have. I don't think that I am a failure. Every one has trials and struggles. I know am not alone. I am so thankful for the support of my husband, my family, my faith. I don't know if we will ever be able to have kids, but I am very slowly learning that it is okay.
We do our best. We can hope for the best. And we take the time to be grateful for the things that we do have. And I sure do have a lot :)

Christmas is Coming!

This is how our home used to look when we lived in Logan. A dinky little tree and no other decorations. But now!

This is only a little tiny sample of what I have done to our house. There is garland everywhere! Tons of lights and ribbon and decorations. I am a little bit crazy about how much I love decorating for Christmas!

My parents have always had this really neat tradition of buying one ornament a year since the year they got married. Jake and I decided that this is a tradition that we too should do! This year was Jake's pick-our very own Pongo just for our tree!

We are just about finished with our Christmas shopping! we only have three people left to buy for! And man did we get some Black Friday steals!! I am a big believer in Black Friday. Why pay ridiculous prices when I can save 50-75% on the same products? All I have to do is deal with a few crowds and I am getting a deal!

I have been lusting after this beautiful stoneware for at least five years, but I could never justify paying 100 bucks for it. Kohl's had it on Friday for 29.99 plus I had a 10 dollar off coupon and a 15% off my entire purchase. So I paid around 12 bucks for a hundred dollar set of stoneware. Yeah! So worth it. And that is only the beginning of how much I saved. I got two new down pillows for 40 bucks off, 10 dollar towels for three bucks, and the savings go on. Most of the things I bought on Black Friday were things I needed, and because of the discounts, I was able to get a better quality/quantity than I would otherwise. If I learned anything from my parents, it is that you never pay full price for anything! Wait a few weeks and it will be on sale or you will get a coupon! 

I really don't think Black Friday is crazy or ridiculous like so many people do. I have been going with my mom for the past 10 years, and am yet to see a fight or someone get hurt. Sure I have to wait in line at Kohl's for over an hour, but it really isn't that bad compared to how much I am saving. My mom and I laugh because of the adrenaline rush we get when we run into a store, grab what we want and are among the first people to check out. Every year we spend a ridiculous amount of time planning out what we are going to get and the fastest way to find it. And I am pretty sure we are among the very few people who coupon on Black Friday. But it has become a tradition that we both look forward too! I love that my mom is as frugal as I am and that we can have this tradition together. And now that I am married, I have this husband of mine who is wonderful! He drives us around and waits in the really long line at Kohl's while my momma and I do the shopping!