That One Time I Remembered I Had a Blog...Oh and had a baby!

This post is deeply personal for me, so if you don't care to read about my religion or my struggle with infertilty, don't read :)

In the back of my mind, I always knew that having kids would not be easily accomplished for me. But I never wanted to admit it. I didn't like thinking about it. So when Jake and I decided it was time to start our family clear back in 2011, it came as no surprise to me that months, and eventually years passed with no success.

Infertility is not for the faint of heart. It's frustrating. It makes you feel broken. Something is wrong with you. You are less of a wife because you can't do the one thing your body is designed to do. In the begining, I was angry. It wasn't fair that everyone else could have babies. Jake and I were in a great spot financially, career wise, education wise. I would cry over stories about abusive parents and neglected children (still do). I would be devasted every time another friend announced they were expecting (again). When would it be my turn? What was I doing wrong? I struggled so much with so many aspects of my life, especially with my religion. Why would God deny me of such a righteous desire? Everything in the LDS church is centered around family. It didn't make sense to me that God would have a commandment to "multiply and replenish" and at the same time, say nope not for you.

I remember a relative pulling Jake aside at a family party, probably thinking I wasn't around. That relative basically told Jake that because we were in the position we were in, it was time for us to start our family. I remember crying the entire drive home. That was the first time someone asked why we didn't have kids/ weren't pregnant. It hurt. But because of that, I was finally able to admit that something wasn't right to someone other than myself.

About that same time, I was lucky enough to get called to Young Womens. The best calling of my life. Those girls will never know what they've done for me. They have inspired/motivated me in ways I could never explain. I decided that I was going to preach to them about how important personal progress was, I should probably set an example and work on it myself. The Lord new what he was doing. I was working on a value experience about the atonement. I was still struggling with the anger of not being able to concieve, and I was starting to turn bitter. I felt so alone. I had always known that the Atonement covered the sins. But I was never one to have major issues. Sure I said the occasionally swear word, I was a terrible teenagers, and I probably watch way too much garbage on tv. And in my mind I new the Atonement covered those sins, but they were so small in my mind, that I never really developed a testimony of the Atonement. But as I worked on this personal progress experience, I grew to realize that the Atonement is so much more than that. I was not alone in my pain. I wasn't the only person to know how I felt. My Savior knew exactly what I was dealing with. He knew my heart.  I soon realized that throughout my life, the Lord had placed so many women who had struggled with the same issues in my life. Young Women leaders of my own, friends, and even family. I was so busy being concerned about myself, that I had failed to realize the examples these women had set for me. It was possible to be happy even if I wasn't able to have the family I had always dreamed of having.

Just because I knew it was possible to be happy, didn't mean that my life changed overnight. It took years to overcome the pain caused by infertility. Years to finally say I was satisifed with where I was in my life. Years to realize that it was okay if I never got the oppurtunity to be a mom. And then one day it happened. I was okay if another friend or family member announced a pregnancy. In fact, I was geniunely happy for them. The bitterness and jealous had finally disappeared. I know that is because I have learned to rely on my Savior through difficult trials! That's not to say that I never got down on myself or wished that I could be a mom, but at least I was finally happy with who and where I was.

In the middle of December, I was scheduled for a surgery. Jake had been talking about taking a pregnancy test for a few weeks. But I was not ready for the disappointment of yet another negative pregnancy test. I'd been down that road way too many times. I felt off, but wasn't willing to find out. And then two days before the surgery, I started throwing up (I don't think I will ever be able to eat another yogurt parfait again). I knew. When I took that test and saw the word pregnant, I instantly broke down. I sat on my bathroom floor crying for what felt like forever. I pulled myself together enough to call my poor husband. Unfortunately for him, I didn't wait til he got home from his night meetings to take the test like he had asked. So he had to sit through what probably felt like  an eternity of camp interviews, not being able to do anything about anything. So I sat at home and continued to cry. Eventually I came out of shock, and called my mom. What the heck do you do when you find out you are pregnant? I had no clue. Thank goodness that woman could talk me through my crazy emotions.

Fast forwad to June. Jacob and I welcomed our beautiful and most importantly our healthy baby girl into our family! She is our miracle. My heart is so full. I cannot explain the joy that she gives me, but I can say that she was worth the wait. It was a long journey to get her here, but in a weird way, I am glad it took so long. If it wasn't for the longest trial of my life, I would not have the testimony I have. I would not have an understanding of the Atonement like I do. I wouldn't have the relationship with my Savior like I do. I am so grateful for this journey and the things I have learned getting to where I am now. It was worth every struggle, every hurtful comment, every tear shed.