Honest Thoughts on Thinking Honestly

I really hate titling my posts-I always feel like it has to be something clever and smart but never know what to put....Anyway
I have found a new appreciation for honesty. I don't mean the kind of honesty were we don't steal or lie, but the deep and sincere honesty when someone is willing to acknowledge their weaknesses.
I feel like a lot of time the LDS culture presents a standard for women to be perfect. Women joyfully have dozens of children. They are perfect housekeepers. They are gourmet chefs.The successfully manage a budget. They have beautiful, well dressed, good mannered, smart, perfect children. These women are perfect wives. They have incredible testimonies. They have no problem sacrificing so much for so little return. These women are in great shape, dress well, and are always happy.
And then there is me.
I can't have kids. I hate cleaning the showers and dusting (as my house will show) . I  don't always feel like cooking. I wish we had more money for me to spend. I fight with my husband. I sometime struggle with my testimony. I am selfish. I am far from being fit, have worn out clothes, and am not always happy.
I have been sharing these thoughts with some close friends. I've been reading so many blogs about so many women in different parts of their lives. Some of these women have some of the trials I do, while other women have trials of their own. The important thing, is that we all have our struggles. And I think that there is so much beauty in a willingness to admit our imperfections. It is so wonderful to know that I am not alone in feeling inferior. It is okay to not be perfect.
It is okay that yesterday I went over on my caloric intake, or that last week I skipped a day of working out. Because I don't have to be perfect all of the time. And thanks to the insight of others, I can realize that no one around me is perfect. Even if they want me to think that they are perfect and so are their lives. It is okay to have weaknesses and shortcomings. I know that there are some weaknesses that I will never overcome (at least in this life). It is okay that I will struggle with some weaknesses for only a short time. I can work to be a better person. I can work to overcome these weaknesses.
For the things I will never be able to fix, I can still rely on my faith in the power of the Atonement. I can depend on my knowledge that Christ loves me, in spite of all of the things I struggle with. I can know that I am not alone. I can be grateful for what I do have. For what I am good at. For the people who care about and love me. For me.
I am so thankful for women who are willing to acknowledge that they don't have it all. That life hasn't turned out to be the story book that we thought it would be. These women are more inspiring to me than those who choose not to acknowledge their shortcomings. The women who can admit weakness are the women I admire most.

Family history

I have been thinking a lot about my family history. Mostly, I am working on a project for my personal progress where I gather stories about ancestors. As I have been doing this, I have started to realize how little I know about my Bullough side of the family. I don't ever remember my Papa telling stories about his parents, and my Dad barely remembers them as they died when he was fairly young (I think). On the Clawson side of my family, I have access to lots of information, I have read parts of my great grandma's journal, read her and my great grandpa's personal history, and my family always has memories to share about them. My parents tell me that Grandma Clawson and I would be great friends as we have a lot in common. Sometimes I feel like she is around, giving me inspiration, especially when it comes to creativity. Anne of Green Gables would say we are like kindred spirits :) and I often hear that Grandpa Clawson would be so proud of my political activism and even my stances. I have such a desire to know these people as individuals, not just names on my pedigree chart. I am hoping that this project helps me to do that. And i'm really hoping to be inspired and that I can see how these people have influenced my family.

Camp...Again

I'm feeling frustrated. Managing 90+ people is not an easy task. Especially when the majority of employees are teenagers. Different management styles work for different people. Different people respond to different things. That's a fact. And it seems to be nearly impossible to find a way to help everyone succeed. It's not like we hire people with the intention of making them fail. I find it frustrating that people don't recognize that this is their job, not a place to get paid to sleep or slack off.
I don't think that it is asking a lot that staff members are on time, help clean up, and that they shower. I don't think that making you do an extra chore is an unreasonable punishment for being late every day. Most places would fire you if you don't come to work on time. Maybe I am reaching here, but you know...
When our camp staff had 45 staff at most, it was a lot easier to have patience, and to allow room for error. But when I have 20 people not doing things correctly as opposed to 2, its a lot harder to help fix problems, and furthermore, have the patience to constantly correct. I found it ironic, that after 15 minutes of helping with my job last week, one of our junior staff said, "Wow, now I understand why you are so strict on this. This is a lot of work." I wish more of our staff understood how things pile up, especially when it isn't done correctly.
I am a firm believer in leading by example. If I ask any of our staff members to do something, I have to be willing to do the exact same thing. Sure, my work schedule might compromise with KP duties or Trash Sweeps, but it isn't like I would be hiding in my cabin if given the chance. I would be helping. Maybe I am off base, maybe I just need to relax and not do anything. Either way, I can't make everyone happy.

A First: Achieving a Goal!

For almost as long as I can remember, I have struggled with my weight. I was the early developer compared to all of my friends. I was taller. I was bigger. And it didn't really bother me until junior high. And even then, it wasn't that big of a deal. But the older I get the more important maintaining a healthy weight appears to be. I know that people have a negative perception of me because of my weight. But there is so much more to me!
Over the past two years, I have tried various diets, exercise routines, etc. And nothing worked. At one point I found a diet that helped me lose five pounds over five months. And I was frustrated. Here I am busting my butt for what? A pound a month?
As mentioned in my previous post, I started seeing a doctor in mid October of 2012. And he believed in me. But more importantly he gave me a plan and he holds me accountable. We set a goal that by April 2013 I would lose 30 pounds. That is only the beginning for me. But I am starting to understand the point of smaller attainable goals that lead to the bigger goal. The first two months went great. I lost 13 pounds. And then the holidays came. And I sort of just stood still. It didn't help that I had a cold or an ear infection or something for practically a month straight, which made it very difficult to exercise regularly.
Today, I stepped on the scale. I thought it was lying to me. So after three or four times of weighing myself, I realized I had met a goal. Two months early. Sure I have had strep throat for the last few days and have only eaten two popsicles and half a bowl of cereal, oh and some hot chocolate since Wednesday (and now it is Saturday) But that doesn't change the fact that I met a weight loss goal for the first time in my entire life. I know I still have a long way to go, but I can help but be excited/proud.
Thanks to my husband, family, doctor, and strep throat I can proudly say that I am one small goal down, and a few more to go!

Our Struggle With Infertility

In the back of my mind, I always new something was wrong, but I never wanted to admit it. There were no obvious signs that having kids would ever be a problem, but there was always this feeling that I don't know how to explain.
I grew up in a culture that was very family oriented. When I grew up, it was my job to get married and start a family. So I got married. We knew we wanted to wait to have kids. So Jake finished school. He got a job. We bought a house. I kept going to school. And we thought we were ready. So we waited. And waited. And after waiting for over a year nothing happened. I never wanted to admit that something was wrong with me. And then one day, someone said something to Jake. And I broke.
For a long time, I was full of hate. Every time that I saw a new baby or heard another of my friends was expecting I had the most awful feelings toward them. How could they have baby? They didn't deserve it. They couldn't afford it. They didn't have this or that. I was jealous. I was bitter. I was angry. But most of all I was hurt. How could God deny me of the one thing that I wanted most? It isn't like I was wanted something evil. It was our righteous desire to start a family, to follow one of God's commandments. And yet, for whatever reason, it didn't happen.
I finally went to the doctor. We started to work on what it wrong. He pointed out that infertility is actually really common. I started talking to people about it. I realized I wasn't alone. So many people that I know have struggled with the same issue. And some have kids. Some don't.
I started to wonder what life would be like without kids. Something I had never thought of before. And that is when it hit me. I had been wishing time away. Wishing that it was in the future, that my problems were solved. I spent more time looking at the things that I didn't have, that I was missing out on a wonderful life in front of me. I had so many blessings right in front of me, but I was to busy looking at the blessings that were missing to even notice how great my life really was. And my mindset changed.
Sure, it is still hard to think about the possibility of never having children. But, my perspective has changed. While I may not ever have the chance to be a mom, I have so many other great things going, that I cant just focus on things I don't have. I am still learning. Sometimes I still get jealous when I see friends starting their families. But I am starting to understand that it is important to be grateful for the things that I do have. I don't think that I am a failure. Every one has trials and struggles. I know am not alone. I am so thankful for the support of my husband, my family, my faith. I don't know if we will ever be able to have kids, but I am very slowly learning that it is okay.
We do our best. We can hope for the best. And we take the time to be grateful for the things that we do have. And I sure do have a lot :)