Our Struggle With Infertility

In the back of my mind, I always new something was wrong, but I never wanted to admit it. There were no obvious signs that having kids would ever be a problem, but there was always this feeling that I don't know how to explain.
I grew up in a culture that was very family oriented. When I grew up, it was my job to get married and start a family. So I got married. We knew we wanted to wait to have kids. So Jake finished school. He got a job. We bought a house. I kept going to school. And we thought we were ready. So we waited. And waited. And after waiting for over a year nothing happened. I never wanted to admit that something was wrong with me. And then one day, someone said something to Jake. And I broke.
For a long time, I was full of hate. Every time that I saw a new baby or heard another of my friends was expecting I had the most awful feelings toward them. How could they have baby? They didn't deserve it. They couldn't afford it. They didn't have this or that. I was jealous. I was bitter. I was angry. But most of all I was hurt. How could God deny me of the one thing that I wanted most? It isn't like I was wanted something evil. It was our righteous desire to start a family, to follow one of God's commandments. And yet, for whatever reason, it didn't happen.
I finally went to the doctor. We started to work on what it wrong. He pointed out that infertility is actually really common. I started talking to people about it. I realized I wasn't alone. So many people that I know have struggled with the same issue. And some have kids. Some don't.
I started to wonder what life would be like without kids. Something I had never thought of before. And that is when it hit me. I had been wishing time away. Wishing that it was in the future, that my problems were solved. I spent more time looking at the things that I didn't have, that I was missing out on a wonderful life in front of me. I had so many blessings right in front of me, but I was to busy looking at the blessings that were missing to even notice how great my life really was. And my mindset changed.
Sure, it is still hard to think about the possibility of never having children. But, my perspective has changed. While I may not ever have the chance to be a mom, I have so many other great things going, that I cant just focus on things I don't have. I am still learning. Sometimes I still get jealous when I see friends starting their families. But I am starting to understand that it is important to be grateful for the things that I do have. I don't think that I am a failure. Every one has trials and struggles. I know am not alone. I am so thankful for the support of my husband, my family, my faith. I don't know if we will ever be able to have kids, but I am very slowly learning that it is okay.
We do our best. We can hope for the best. And we take the time to be grateful for the things that we do have. And I sure do have a lot :)